The Thoughts of a Miser
by CyberBlueEyes
Summary: Kakuzus Journal, found by his fellow Akatsuki proves to be great entertainment. Read on as you see into the worlds oldest missing-nins daily life. and learn how badly he mutilates Hidan on a daily basis. And learn about Hidans pursuit for Deidaras affections. (And his virginity)
1. Chapter 1

The Thoughts of a Miser.

June 18th

Dear Journal,

This is my first day using this inane birthday gift from Konan-Sama. It may prove useful in toning down my fits of rage by organizing my thoughts, which due to my advanced age are becoming quite muddled. Or as Deidara says 'I'm going senile'. I quite honestly hate that brat. I pray I never have to deal with a partner as loud as him. Speaking of partners, Pein-Sama says I'll be receiving a new one later today. I duly hope he won't be as annoying as the last few. Now on to recent events. I needed to borrow Sasoris expertice on something yesterday so when I found him inside his puppet armor just sitting there I opened the top hatch of it and found him sitting there reading a small orange book called Icha-Icha Paradise. I asked him what he was doing and I immediately learned something. Puppet or not he can blush. Odd isn't it? Afterwards I went to the commissary in the base to get lunch. There I found Kisame, one of the few members I can tolerate. He told me he'd found something I would find interesting. Interesting indeed! It was an antique jutsu scroll containing some very powerful fire techniques. One of them, Katon: Zukaku seemed to be made to work with Fuuton: Atsugai. I am eager to test them. That is all for now.

From, Kakuzu.


	2. Hidan Appears! plus: Icha-Icha Fun!

Thoughts of a Miser

June 20th

I received my new partner two days ago. I hate him. What was Leader-Sama thinking? Pairing that loud idiot with me? He can be useful though. As a punching bag. It's good that he's immortal, he even allowed me to practice my latest jutsu, Katon: Zukaku, on him. After the technique hit him he fell to the ground screaming. Not in pain, but joy. He was screaming praising his "God". The fool, there is no god other than money. Even hell runs on money. After I questioned him on his "God" he began on a rant that caused the Uchiha to show actual emotion.

I recently received a gift from Sasori. It was one of the novels of the Gama-Sennin. Icha-Icha Paradise. I find it an. . . Invigorating, read. He said it would help me "Loosen up". My new partner Hidan saw me reading it and immediately started grumbling about 'Dirty old men'. I truly hate that fool. I will find a way to kill him. I swear it.

,Kakuzu.


	3. The Mission! Plus: Deidara is sneaky

The Thoughts of a Miser

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I am however fully prepared to fight Masashi Kishimoto to the death for it.

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June 21st

We have a mission today. We are to procure funds for the organization. A.K.A. Bounty hunting. It's good to get back to my roots. It seems however that my new partner really IS immortal. I have tried stabbing, dismemberment, incineration, electrocution, drowning, poisons, beheading, CASTRATION, I even ripped his heart out and assimilated it. The bastard just won't die! I'll see if I can get Deidara to blow him up. Maybe Sasori can turn him into a puppet? Oh well. You never know until you try.

Kakuzu

** Hey Gramps I found your journal! You seriously need to buy a better lock for this thing un. Seriously what did that piece o' shit cost, two Ryo? Oh yeah, I'm telling Hidan where you hide this thing un. Have fun keeping that dumbass albino away from this thing. He'll probably laugh his ass off un. Oh and you don't need to ask me to blow him straight to hell with my art, I was gonna do it anyway. Annoying bastard un. Art's an explosion!**

** Deidara**

**P.S. You don't need Dannas 'art' un. **


	4. Itachi's late birthday! Plus: OMAKE!

The Thoughts of a Miser

June 22nd

The Uchiha recently reminded us that we forgot his birthday recently. Now he's acting like, well an Uchiha. Or as Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, and Sasori say 'Being Emo as hell'. I quite agree. We're all pitching in to _acquire_ him a gift. Yes even me. While I don't quite like the boy I have quite a bit of respect for his ancestor, Madara Uchiha. He was a great man. But he never could quite hold his booze. The lightweight, his little brother could drink him under the table. Old man tangent aside, the gift that we're getting him is something we all know he's been wanting for a while. A visit from his younger brother. I believe this will be _quite _entertaining.

I am quite angry that Deidara got into my journal. The benefit of it though was that I got the opportunity to watch Hidan get blown to smithereens by Deidara's C1. It was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. And for the first time in my life I saw Sasori laugh. It was . . . Odd to say the least.

Kakuzu

_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I actually found that old fuckers diary! I can't believe that blonde chick was right! As thanks I'm gonna do so much illegal shit to her. Whether she likes it or not. (warning! The next section is abridged to shorten up the chapter. Thank you, good bye.) Blah blah blah Jashin blah blah blah heathen blah blah blah bastard blah blah blah old fucker blah blah blah fuck the blonde chick blah blah blah pierced ass wipe. _

_ Hidan_

OMAKE!

As Hidan and Deidara walked down the street in the village they were in Deidara was hit with a sudden bolt of curiosity. "Hey Hidan, why are you treating me to all this stuff un? I mean its not like I don't appreciate the ice cream, soda and wanton destruction but just, why?"

"So you would trust me enough so I could do this." As he spoke he grabbed Deidaras arms and pushed him against the wall of the building they were beside.

"You do know I'm a dude right un?"

Hidan simply leaned forward and whispered in his ear. "I. Don't. Care."

Deidara paled considerably.

XXX/Elsewhere with Orochimaru/XXX

"Rape/Pedo. Senses. Tingling!"

End Omake.

Whoo! My first Omake! Expect one every so often. Hidan, do the disclaimer, quick!

Hidan: CyberBlueEyes does not own Naruto. Sasuke does though.


	5. Itachis party PLUS: Kakuzus conquest

The Thoughts of a Miser

A/N: Okay I'm trying to do stories besides this one like a Naruto song parody but I'm having a hard time trying to decide which song to do so please vote on it.

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June 23rd

We held Itachis late birthday party last night. I honestly don't remember anything after my fourth straight vodka. I do remember everything before that though. After he opened the box which contained his younger brother he did something I'd never seen in all of my 91 years. An Uchiha smiling. It wasn't even a manic one like I'd usually seen when facing an Uchiha in combat. It was odd to say the least. But once he let the boy _out_ of the box it became humorous. The boy literally came flying out at him, Sharingan active and frothing at the mouth. Itachi simply stood there and held him back with two fingers on his forehead. We promptly tied up the boy so that he couldn't form hand seals with a seal tag on his chest to keep him from molding Chakra. Itachi spent the entire time just talking to him. He's probably still talking to him, let me check. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yep, still talking to him.

The rest of us are all hung over as hell. With the exception of Deidara who seems to be in perfect health. For some reason I remember being in Konoha last night. Wait a minute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SON OF A BITCH! No wonder Deidara's in perfect health he's got the Slug Sannins apprentice in his bed. Wait a second let me check something. . . . . Crap. I've got the Slug Princess herself in my bed. Eh, she's one of my better conquests honestly. I mean just look at that chest! Good for her I have to say. Hidan's in pieces right now. Literally. Kisame must've gotten it in his head that he could kill Hidan with Samehada. He was wrong. Well I've got a Hokage and a Chunin to return. But first I'm going to get a few pictures of Tsunade while I can. Those will sell for millions!

Kakuzu

XXX/with Jiraiya and Naruto/XXX

"Pervert. Senses. TINGLING!"

"Man Ero-Sennin you get weirder every d-Ulch! Pervert. Senses. TINGLING!"

"I knew I'd get you one day Brat."


	6. Omake Special! the Blackout Part1

The Thoughts of a Miser: Omake Chapter!

"Gaaah, why is it so Jashin-damned hot out here!?" Three guesses who and the first two don't count.

It was one of the rare days that the Akatsuki had the day off and just like when they were on the job, Hidan was complaining.

Their respective mornings had all been good, until the heat hit them.

"Hey, Leader-sama," Hidan yelled. "can you make it rain for us?"

Pein then proceeded to walk over behind Hidan, and calmly Shinra Tensei him to Mizu No kuni.

As he walked back to his seat in the shade of a tree, he saw his blue haired, _female, _partner give him a look that every man understood. The look that says 'get over here or I'm going to freeze you out for a month'. Y'know, that look.

At the sight of this look, Pein, the God of Amegakure, the Child of the Prophecy and Leader of the Akatsuki, promptly walked toward his girlfriend and sat down beside her, a look of fear upon his usually blank visage.

As the day went on some of the more… rambunctious (read: psycho) members began to challenge each other to various contests with the more reserved members betting on them.

The first challenge was between Kisame and Deidara, the challenge a bareknuckle boxing match which ended in, surprisingly, Deidaras victory.

(little bastard can take a hit dammit) it also resulted in Sasori winning a large sum from betting on his partner, and Pein (ever the horrid gambler) losing nearly fourteen thousand Ryo to his underling.

The second challenge was a Guitar Hero battle. The contestants: Deidara and Sasori. The song: Headstrong by Trapt

"Ready to lose Danna?"

"Not on your life Brat."

And so the challenge began,

_Circling your, circling your, circling your head,_

_Contemplating everything you ever said_

_Now I see the truth, I got doubt_

_A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out_

_ See you later_

_I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold_

_ See inside, inside our heads (yeah)_

_ Well now that's over_

_I see your motives inside, decisions to hide_

As they hit the chorus both were still looking determined. And then the power went out.

"What the fuck un!?"

"Calm down everyone its probably just a blown transformer, I'll go and check."

"Thanks Konan-sama un."

"I'll go to."

"Like hell your going to check, your probably just gonna go and fuck with your girlfriend."

"I might do that to, you never really know

As the leading pair of the Akatsuki left everyone simply sat and did their own thing, Kisame pulled out his guitar and started strumming, Itachi pulled out a manga and began reading, Kakuzu started counting his money, Sasori began to tinker with Hiruko and Deidara started molding some clay into statuettes of the other Akatsuki.

As they sat and relaxed they heard something, something that sounded like banging and crashing. As the noise got closer it got louder, louder than it should have been. Soon they heard a demented cackle, like that of a murderer or serial killer. Soon the door to the basement they were all occupying was knocked off of its hinges with a familiar voice yelling 'I'm back bitches!'

As if it were preplanned they all spoke in unison.

"Oh it's just Hidan."

END!

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A/N: if you were expecting me to just give you the whole damn thing well tough shit! I'm spreading this thing over at LEAST seven chapters. And as a side note, Yes Pein and Konan are going to be macking in Peins room the entire omake set. I'm going to do a separate Lemon for that though.

Oh shit! I nearly forgot the disclaimer! Tobi, your up!

Tobi: Cyber-san does not own Naruto! And Tobi is a good boy!

Yes you are, now here's the candy I promised you. What? Don't look at me in that tone of voice! I promised I'd pay him in candy! I'm not Pedorochimaru.

Fuck this shit, Cyber, out.


	7. Hidans Fck up and Kisame is sneaky

The Thoughts of a Miser

Hey folks, this is CyberBlueEyes and I'm sorry For not updating this story. I've been preoccupied with another story I've been trying to write, Fighting Spirit. It's a Pokemon fan fiction and if anyone has a Pokemon O.C. they'd like me to put in with the other ones I've got please let me know and if I do decide to use your O.C. please send the description in a PM not a review. Now then here's the my O.C. Vale with the disclaimer.

Vale: CyberBlueEyes does not own Naruto. Just me, my girlfriend and my best friend.

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July 5th

We had a barbecue yesterday. It was, in a word, horrid. Absolutely horrid. We've all decided that neither Itachi, Zetsu or Hidan can ever cook again. We've also decided that for the next ten days, Hidan is the communal punching bag/stress reliever. I'll bet you're wondering what he did to deserve that aren't you? It was this morning that Hidan walked into the kitchen to Konan-Sama, gripped her rear, kissed her full on the lips and said "Nice ass bitch." not three feet away from Pein-Sama. I can hear the yells of Shinra Tensai from here. The pictures I took of the Slug Sannin after Itachi's party have gotten out. Word is she is offering a 50 million Ryo bounty for whoever took them. And the Gama Sennin is offering a 35 million Ryo reward for the full set of pictures. Give Hidan to one and the pictures to the other. That's a 5 and a half million Ryo profit. I'm almost giddy. Do you know how long it's been since I've been giddy? Nearly 67 years.

Kakuzu

Wow, Deidara was right for once. Well anyway, hey Kakuzu-san, it's Kisame. Sorry for vandalizing your diary. Deidara told me about it and I just couldn't resist. Again, sorry for being in here without permission. Kill Dei-Chan not me.

Kisame

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Well folks that's the latest chapter, hope you enjoyed it.

Cyber, out.


	8. Pass the Brain Bleach Please

Yo, This is Cyberblueeyes ready to rock, and I'm sorry about not updating TTOAM for so long I was working on a new story Shinobi Housing Development. Go read it if you want but quick warning, it's M rated so if you're one of those squeaky clean kind of people don't have to but I recommend it. Now, on with the Misers troubles!

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July 15th

I have just returned from a mission to Hi No Kuni to collect one of Sasoris informants. I had him bound in my Jiongu wires so he wouldn't run and when I returned to base Deidara said 'Sooo, BDSM?' I asked Hidan what it was, He used Deidara for an example. Didn't know that Hidan swung that way. I need brain bleach. When I finally delivered Sasori his informant, a silver haired young man named Yakushi Kabuto. For some reason when I sat him down Sasori pulled out a sword wielding puppet and had it cut his head off. I wonder why? This organization is getting weirder by the day, I swear. For some reason Itachi still has his younger brother in his room and almost every night I hear screams of both pain and plea- OH. Now I really need brain bleach.

, Kakuzu.


	9. Hidan the Mystery Konan is scary!

The Thoughts of a Miser.

Disclaimer!: I don't own Naruto, Sasuke does.

Yo, it's the illustrious Cyber-Sama here bringing you a new chapter of The Thoughts of a Miser. I have a new story out, Shinobi Housing development, it's a smutfic so read at your own risk. Now I believe you came to read about Kakuzus suffering?

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July 17th

At Sasoris recommendation I've begun reading the 'Icha-Icha' series by the Gama-Sennin. I find it quite enjoyable, especially the fight scenes. I don't quite know why the fool put so many sex scenes in an action novel though. However when Konan-sama found them she said that if she caught me reading them in public that leaders permission or not she would kill me. I don't think she was joking. She was completely serious, not exasperated like the times she's threatened to kill Deidara, Kisame, Hidan and Sasori. I fear it may be one or both of two things. We've finally pushed past the point of sanity, or it's that time of the month. If it's the first, we just say '

Welcome to the club'. If it's the second not even Leader-Sama is safe. If it's both it would be, in Hidans words, 'A complete and total clusterfuck'. Lately I've been hearing a lot of odd noises coming from Hidans room. They sound like moans and whines. And it seems like both Hidan and Deidara have been absent for most of the night after dinner. I wonder why? That is all for right now.

Kakuzu.

Addendum: I figured out why they were missing at night. I also found out that I REALLY didn't want to know.

Kakuzu.

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And that's a wrap. Well, whattaya think? Read, review, read again and remember, enjoy!

Cyber, out.


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